PWSD

Consider this a public service announcement.  PWSD is real, it's dangerous and it is merely one retail visit away from invading your emotional wellness.  I am talking of course, about "Post Walmart Stress Disorder".

If you are a past reader you will know how much I dislike the retailer that is so pervasive throughout this country.  You will also remember I typically refer to them as "Faltart", So as not to mistakenly provide them with any additional free advertising.  This will be the case from this sentence forward.

I have to be in really dire circumstances to voluntarily go to Faltart.  I have certainly learned not to run to this retailer for random items I may need for a recipe, because they usually don't have it anyway.  It has to be something more catestrophic than needing a few items.  Last Sunday ( okay a Sunday...at Faltart that should indicate where this going), after the Bronco Game ( okay, right?  I never claimed to be all that smart) at around 4:00 p.m. (seriously somebody please just poke a hot needle in my eye) I had a REALLY weak moment and I found myself sitting outside the parking lot.  Did I mention I was way outside the parking lot as it was completely full.

I pried my white knuckles from the steering wheel, glanced in my purse for Faltart shopping supplies (Clorox wipes, a can of Pepper spray, sunglasses to remain undercover and one of Eli's plastic drink cups full of ice....and Tequila).  I took a cleansing breath and stepped into the wild.

You know nowadays I am a pretty positive kind of person but the sights and sounds of this one hour shopping extravaganza make me want to crawl in a dark cold hole and send up a prayer for all human kind.  First of all how many people in Morgan County suddenly become afflicted with an ailment that causes them to be in need of the Faltart company car, aka the little motorized chair with the basket attached.  I watched one woman hippity hop to the door only to slowly crawl into that contraption.

I heard a young mother yell down the aisle " you better get your ass over here or someone will steal you.". I glanced down the aisle and she was yelling at a toddler who probably wasn' t even 3 years old. I mean who the hell does that?  As I weave and criss cross my cart through the apparent impromptu social gatherings in nearly every single aisle, I stopped a woman to ask her what aisle the matches were in (I'm thinking about torching the place at this point).  She had on a name tag and she had a radio....and she didnt  speak English.  None, nada, zip.  Really, I get the entire bilingual thing, I do, but this sends me through the roof.

I call Jon from my cell phone, just to let him know what kind of suffering and anguish I was going through as he was sitting comfortably at home in the man cave watching NFL football and drinking micro brewed beer out of a frosty mug.  As always he was supportive and told me to build a bridge and get over it.  

The last straw occurred as I was making my way to the exit and I witnesses a rodent creep under cereal shelves.  I think it was a mouse but it could have been a rabid badger for Christ's sake.  I glanced around at the shoppers in row9 and saw no reaction whatsoever.  Maybe they didnt see it, or more likely they saw it and didn't care.

So finally I proceeded to the self checkout counters.  I usually pick this area to pay for my goods so I don't have to deal with the rude, semi comatose checkers I am accustomed to.  The line is 6 or 7 deep, in self check out....and my tequila is long gone.  There directly in front of me is the able bodied woman in her Faltart company car.  I listen as she screams and yells at the poor little man helping her unload her groceries.  I mean, sweet Jesus who uses the company car and THEN goes to the self check stand.  I watch as some dirty little kid dumps an entire box of Chapstick on the floor.  I am amazed when his mother makes no attempt to pick any of them up.  No wonder the checkers are the way they are.

So you see folks, PWSD is a real disease.  It is chronic and progressive, but you don't have to fight this battle alone.  Join forces with me.....maybe we can get the bulk rate on tequila!,,