Halloween Overachieving in the Country

I have never liked Halloween.  Maybe it is because it was too much work when the kids were smaller back in the day.  I refused to take the kids trick or treating and I refused to answer the door for trick or treaters so it always put Jon in a tough spot, and yet he still loves me!  One of the benefits of living in the country and being old is that we don't have to go out that night and no one comes to our door on Halloween.

Maybe I was actually missing the shenanigans of this holiday (or maybe it is that I am unemployed and have too much time on my hands) because when Ashley asked us to babysit Eli overnight last Saturday, I thought we might have a spooky Halloween dinner party.  Not a big deal but just a fun time with a few decorations and a little bit of party food. Jon even joined in the preparations and dug out Halloween paraphernalia we haven't seen for years!  My party planner mode went into overdrive for one five year old little boy who happens to love Halloween.  I found myself in the Halloween aisle at Target.  I went to the grocery store on three separate occasions,  and I scoured the dollar stores in Morgan County for a black light that I thought I had to have.  I downloaded scary music from ITunes and I told Ashley she couldn't bring Eli out until after dark.

The party was set.  Even though we weren't in costume the atmosphere was, well slightly spooky.  Cobwebs that glowed a spooky green draped the dining room.  A special ghoul guest sat at the head of the table with glowing green eyes.  Numerous candles were flickering throughout the room.  Eyeballs peered up from their place in a bowl of nachos.  Creaking and screeching music and scary sounds pierced the silence and then Eli came to the door.

He stopped dead in his tracks, not even a foot from the door.  Haha I did it I got Eli, I surprised him!  My intent was to surprise him not to scare the wits out of him.  He hung on his Mom as we sat down. Not considering the idea of age appropriateness, I remained in character with my spooky voice and slow moving body asking Eli to sit by our ghoul guest, if he dared.  He scooted his chair closer to mine and away from the ghoul.  We started to feast on used band aids, pumpkin vomit (did I mention I did not consider age appropriateness?) mummy hotdogs and zombie juice from slime covered cups.  At one point I looked down at Eli and he wasn't eating a thing, he was just staring at our guest.

Nana can we turn down that music, it is too loud I can't here anything.  Off goes the music.  Nana What is underneath that scary guys hood?  Off comes the mask and the hood to reveal a soccer ball and a wooden plank held together by duct tape.  Nana, I can't see my food, I need the lights on.  Off goes the black light, on goes the dining room light.  He gingerly flicked the used band aids off his plate, apparently overcome with the disgusting appetizers.   He wiped his hands off after taking a reluctant drink of his zombie juice, then he promptly decided he was not hungry.  In fact I think he may have even asked to go home which he never does!

After we had packed everything scary safely into tubs and cupboards Eli started to relax and we decided we would watch a movie.  Hell with my lack of judgement you would think I let Eli watch Carrie or maybe Poltergeist right before bed.  Maybe we skip the movie and opt for a haunted house that is appropriate for adults only.  Geez.  Poppy, being the voice of sanity found Dr. Dolittle on HBO and the world felt a little safer.

Needless to say that night Eli would have no part of sleeping in the big bed in the extra bedroom.  He slept between us and more specifically on Jon's face the entire night!  I heard him telling his Mom the next morning on the phone that he slept with us because the spooky dinner night had him "troubled".  I troubled my own grandson!!  Good job Nana.  I think I will do what I do best and leave Halloween to the professionals from now on.

Bake Sale Smack Down

Every year at the Brush Oktoberfest, the St. Marys Church ladies have a huge bake sale booth.  The proceeds are used to purchase various statues and tablecloths and stuff (actually I don't know where the money goes)?  That doesn't stop me though from participating.  Each year a week before the event I scour through cookbooks and now Pinterest to find the best bake sale item, the one that will out shine all the others.  I'm really great at fixing chocolate chip cookies but the wow factor just isn't there, I always need to come up with something better.  Of course that is all just crap because what I really want to do is outshine my mother.   She is a brilliant cook and baker and actually should have owned a catering business so I have my work cut out for me every year.

This year I wasn't above sneaking in to her house when she was away to look for an ingredient list or a recipe book sitting out with yellow sticky note page markers.  I wanted to tap her phone but I found that to be cost prohibitive.  So with no prior knowledge of what she was baking I set about to make the greatest bake sale items of the year (or at least the ones that looked better than my Moms). 

The night before the sale, I had come up with some great ideas and they were looking pretty good so I decided to spend the evening taunting my own mother!  I sent her the picture text below.

"Butter brickle biscotti AND cherry walnut bread.  BAM"

Okay so no answer, at all.  I started to get nervous, I knew she was home in the kitchen and I hated not knowing what she was working on.  I thought I needed to come up with something even bigger, better.  So a couple hours later on that same evening I sent the following picture text to my mother.

 

 "Honey crisp apples with caramel cream cheese

dipping sauce.  BOOYAH".

 

Still no answer from my mother, I was starting to think maybe she had aspirated flour, or burned herself on the oven, or choked on a maraschino cherry.  When I finally heard from her.  I received the silent message below from my Mom.

 

 

Seriously?  Really?  I guess there's always next year!!

 



The Animals are Still Running the Zoo

It should come as no surprise that the animals still call all the shots at the Cook No-Kill Hobby Farm.  They dictate our time, our pocketbook and even our vacations!  Since it has been over a year since my last post to this blog I thought I would re-introduce you to all the players in order of appearance!
Big Jack, our eight year old Newfoundland weighs 140 pounds and thinks he is a lap dog.  You can have the best seat in the house....but you'll have to move the dog!  That's our Jack.  He is also the best photo bomber in the county.  He is my loyal companion and dear friend.

The goats rate a close second in pampering.  They have a heated barn,  a great diet of sweet feed and alfalfa and on occasion get scraps from an odd neighbor who apparently rummages through the trash bins behind our local grocery store.  We now have four kids, born just a few weeks ago.  To make a long story short while we were in Ireland our billy goat jumped a five foot fence and got in with all the nannies.  In honor of his persistence we have gifted all the new babies with Irish names, Patrick, O'Malley, Clare and Collin are up and running, jumping and playing the days away.  Shout out to our nephew Tanner who tried like hell to keep the herd separated!  We also have Lucy (the goat who thinks she is a dog) Lucky, Baby, Starflyer (yeah, never let your grandkid name a goat when he is in his Star War phase!) Bhindi, and well geez I can't even keep track of them all.  My last count was 13 goats but when people ask me how many goats we have I give them the standard answer of 6, so they wont call me the "old crazy goat lady"!

In the past year we also got into the chicken business.  I use the term business very loosely.  We don't make any money but we do enjoy farm fresh eggs from happy chickens who aren't cooped up in crowded unsanitary and cruel conditions.  We also get to sit out on the back patio and watch what we call chicken TV, because their antics and actions are always entertaining.  We started out with 10 baby chicks, little did I know chickens sex organs are located on the inside (your biology lesson for today) and therefore the sex is really not known.  We ended up with three large roosters and I was lucky enough to find a man here in Morgan County who took them to live out their days on his farm.  Now I have seven hens that lay approximately 3 dozen beautiful large brown eggs a week.  Yeah, I know more on that issue soon! 

We also have a part-time dog, our daughters Corgi who would really just rather live on the farm so she spends a great deal of time with us.  She is the keeper of the herd of sorts and rather than stay in the nice warm and dry house opts to sit out by the haystack for hours on end sitting quietly watching the goats.  Tuff has become a fun part of the Cook No Kill Mini Farm.

Our last acquisition is Beyonce, bear in mind she already had that name and we didn't feel it right to change it, and it suits her.  She is a miniature horse (not a pony as Jon corrects me).  Our neighbors, who are moving needed to find her a new home and we couldn't bear the thought of her being sold at the sale barn.  She is short, overweight and pigeon toed....and the most gentle adorable creature.  We know um exactly nothing about horses and less than that about mini horses with bad feet, but like all fun things that happen out here we are just gonna wing it and see what happens!

Oh, the alpacas?  They are merely on my wish list, I will also keep you updated as this list changes!





Unemployed in the Country

As most of you know, and much to Jon's dismay the floods of 2013 have forced me to join the ranks of the unemployed.  I have been traveling to beautiful Estes Park 3-4 times a month to work for nearly three years.  Since the route to my work was basically destroyed, I have found myself with plenty of time on my hands.  Okay Estes Park is one of my favorite places on earth and I adore the folks I work with but not working is so, sooo SWEET!

For the past 6 weeks I have found more than enough projects to fill my time, in fact my to-do list is growing rather than becoming smaller for some reason.  One of the first things I wanted to do was reinvent the blog.  We just have too many ridiculous and hilarious things that happen to us out here on our Cook No Kill Mini Farm, to not share them with family and friends and even strangers.  You, yes you may be the subject of the blog, just as before!  Yep, I just can't wait to talk about ya! Oh yeah and Follow Me if you don't already, leave your comments, share your thoughts so can all read them!

So anyway I can now cross the blog off my list, and for a compulsive list maker such as myself it is a glorious moment.  Okay and can I just say that when you chose to use the notes app on your IPhone you are denied crossing items off the list, which is the most satisfying part of making the list in the first place! What kind of things have been on the list for the past 4 or so weeks?   (Secretly and just between us I add a bunch of items to my list and then cross them off so Jon will see it.  I add things to the list like, take a shower, feed the dog, get the mail)   Here is my list of actual projects minus copious amounts of bogus items
Can everything edible on the mini farm


By the way did you know it takes 40 pounds
of tomatoes to make 8 pints of salsa.  40
POUNDS!

Clean every cupboard in the houseMake various photo book gifts
Enter photo essay contestStain windows
Shampoo all carpets
Apply for doctoral program
Learn how to use photo shop software
Make several more batches of goat milk soap

Just kidding about the doctoral program, had to make sure you were reading.  Okay so anyway I have managed to do most of the items on the list.  I am absolutely exhausted and thinking I might need to go back to work just to get some rest.    It doesn't help when me husband, God bless his heart comes home from work and one of the first questions out of his mouth is "What did you do today?".  The first few weeks when I wasn't working when he asked me that question, I told him the truth.  I told him things like, I watched leaves fall from the cottonwood trees through the front screen door or I walked two miles with a quiet mind the entire time or I drove 9 miles out to the middle of nowhere to find free flowers to dry.   Okay when I told him things like that his eyes rolled so far back in his head that I had bad zombie dreams for a week. 

What he REALLY means when he asks that question, and lets be honest just like most men I know is...."Hi honey, how much money did you make today"?  So now when my wonderful spouse of over 30 years comes home from work, takes his coat off and pets the dog then asks, "What did you do today"?  I simply say.....zero.